I don't deserve you
by deck.ivy
Summary: Ciel realizes that Sebastian is too good for him.


**Ciel's POV**

I gazed up at the man I have grown to love. There is no denying it now. I loved Sebastian Michaelis. He was everything I had ever hoped to be. He was smart, strong, fast. He was beautiful. I guess that I have always loved him since I first summoned him. I never really put it together until now. I laughed. It was a bitter sound, I finally opened my heart to someone and that someone ended up being a demon. I finally loved someone, it seems that whenever I loved someone they always ended up leaving me. In one form or another, they always left. My parent's died on the night they promised that I might know their love. They died and I should have gone with them, but now I'm glad I was too strong to follow. That road led me to Sebastian. The road may have been paved in blood and bodies of all those that I let close to my and have let in my heart, in the end it still led me to _him. _It seemed as though I was cursed. Whenever I loved someone they got taken away. First my parents, Madam Red, who loved me and n the end died instead of harming me, then Lizze with her trusting smile bright happy smile, never to see the sun rise again. All of them died, they all died within moments of me saying those three words. _I love you. _The words that cast my life to the shadows.

Now I loved Sebastian. I knew that he would never feel the same for me and he was basically immortal. _Maybe that'll keep him safe from whatever is that kills everyone that I love. _Of course it wouldn't. No matter how hard I tried, nobody who loved him back survived. That's just how it is. But damn if I'll let another person I loved dies. Even though he was a demon, I'll still protect him.

_What's wrong with me? Why does the universe hate me so? What have I done in my life that warrant's this? This pain. It's just too much. Too much. _I fingered the ring that Sebastian fixed for me. _Too good. I don't deserve him but I can't stand losing him. Death would be kinder._

**Sebastian's POV**

The young master has been acting strange today. First when I served him his tea, he had that far away look in his eyes that he had when he summoned me. The one that I wanted to erase from his face for all time. Then at dinner he gave a sort of laugh, although it was not the happy laugh that you hear all the time from kids at the park or at Christmas. It was the sound that people gave when they realized that someone they loved was dead. When they know that they are helpless and that Death has taken its due. The sound that made me want to kill anyone that would dare hurt him. It made me want to slowly rip out their eyes and give their heads to Ciel just to see his eyes light up and that smile. The one that meant everything from nothing to everything.

I shook my head, _I really must stop thinking about him. I have duties, such as bring the Master his tea and get him ready for bed. _I tried to ignore the reaction my body gave to the thought of Ciel in bed. _I love him! _ I realized with a jolt. And that alone brought a smile to my face. The silly smile that everyone gets on their face when they're in love.

Still with that crazy _I'm in love _smile on my face I went to fix the Master his evening tea.

**Ciel's POV**

Everyone I let in died, so why fight it? I only have a few minutes until Sebastian brought him his tea and got him ready for bed. I put on Can't Stand Losing You by The Police. It started in the middle which was fine. I wasn't expecting to hear the rest.

_ i can't see the point in another day_  
><em>When nobody listens to a word I say<em>  
><em>You can call it lack of confidence<em>  
><em>But to carry on living doesn't make no sense<em>

_I can't, I can't_  
><em>I can't stand losing<em>  
><em>I can't, I can't<em>  
><em>I can't stand losing<em>  
><em>I can't, I can't<em>  
><em>I can't stand losing<em>  
><em>I can't, I can't<em>  
><em>I can't stand losing<em>  
><em>I can't, I can't<em>  
><em>I can't stand losing<em>  
><em>I can't, I can't<em>  
><em>I can't stand losing<em>

I let out a breath I didn't realize i was still holding. Too much death. Too much pain. I just can't stand it. Life was to hard. It was simple before, but that was before. Now I didn't know up from down left from right. It was too much. _I don't deserve him. _I took off the ring that he magically fixed.

_I guess this is our last goodbye_  
><em>And you don't care so I won't cry<em>  
><em>But you'll be sorry when I'm dead<em>  
><em>And all this guilt will be on your head<em>  
><em>I guess you'd call it suicide<em>  
><em>But I'm too full to swallow my pride<em>

I looked around my room for the last time, I realized it didn't matter. My life was nothing compared to his. He somehow along the way became my whole life. And that was a scary thought in its own. Those closet to me always died. Maybe it was the universes way of leading me to this point. The point where it all became to much for even a Phantomhive to live with.

I drew the knife blade against my heart. That's where it hurt the most. The ice cold of the blade gave way to the heat of blood sliding down my chest. The cut was deep. And I felt my life slipping away and that was OK. But there was one more thing I had to do. I had to leave a message for my beloved Sebastian. _I don't deserve you and I never will. But I will always love you. Led a happy life. Be happy. That's all I ever wanted for you. _I wrote those final words with my own blood just as I heard Sebastian's voice though the dark. Now he'll be safe, safe from my curse. A curse that will never touch the man that I loved most of all. _I don't deserve you, Sebastian. _That was my final thought before the darkness rose up to claim me. To claim me like it has been waiting for since I was born.

_I can't stand losing you._


End file.
